If you’ll recall, in last week’s season premiere of New Girl, Jess and Nick finally decided to give their fledgling romantic relationship a chance. ‘Nerds’ opens with Schmidt continuing to unskillfully hide the fact that he’s dating both Elizabeth (played by brand-new Emmy award winner Merritt Wever) and Cece. (Seriously, how do these girls not know Schmidt’s dating someone else? Obvious concealment of cell phone calls? Overexplaining every little thing? It’s like he’s trying really, really hard to get caught.) Meanwhile Winston’s hookup, Daisy, asks him to cat-sit, much to Schmidt’s dismay. As he explains it to Winston, “They carry disease, they’re obsessed with my nipples and they’re unwelcome in this loft.”
“They carry disease, they’re obsessed with my nipples and they’re unwelcome in this loft.”
On the other side of the apartment, Jess is obsessed with getting the approval of the “cool” kids at school, i.e her fellow teachers played by The Office’s Angela Kinsey and Mark Proksch, along with Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23’s Dreama Walker. Good boyfriend that he is, Nick decides to help out his girl with a few tricks from a former cool kid, i.e. he encourages her to drink her way to fit in. Good old Nick, he’ll earn his AA bracelet yet. But his plan to help Jess ingratiate herself to the gang backfires the next day when they convince her to break into the principle’s house and Nick realizes his girlfriend could easily find herself facing felony charges.
“My heart is a two-man bike and I want you in the rear.”
In Winston-land, Winston decides to take his thing (hookup? sexationship?) with Daisy one-step further by making her his exclusive girlfriend (“My heart is a two-man bike and I want you in the rear,” is his winning analogy.) But his plan is derailed when he realizes Daisy is sleeping with another man. So Winston does what Winston does best — which is to say scheme. This particular one involves murdering Daisy’s cat. With either a noose, shovel or hammer. Winston is nothing if not indecisive.
Back to Schmidt, who continues the precarious dance of managing two girls at once — a plan that backfires when Elizabeth visits his new office. (“It’s a perfect 2/3rds replica of Don Draper’s office from Mad Men.”) There, his meddling coworker Beth invites Elizabeth to the office party — a party Cece inevitably crashes. Thinking fast Schmidt convinces Elizabeth to pretend to be a sexy stranger and Cece to play catering waitstaff. Along with Schmidt’s coworker, we wince as the two inevitably meet. But Schmidt’s secret remains safe. Duhn-duhn-duhn. To be continued.
Though to be honest, I was eagerly waiting for Elizabeth to do this:
One can dream.
Back in Jess’s world, Nick decides to accompany his girlfriend to her plot to impress her colleagues. Together, the two hoist themselves over the principle’s fence only to get caught by the man himself. In lieu of calling the cops, Jess’s boss invites them to his “jacuzz.” Wince.
Finally, Winston finally decides to confront Daisy about her liaison with the man in the shower. He breaks things off, but takes the cat as a consolation price. The episode closes with the cat, gulp, having its way with Schmidt’s nipples. Andddddd, that’s all, folks.