Was I the only one rooting for Schmidt?
After last week’s game-changer, I was curious to see how the roommate dynamic changed in this week’s episode. I was not disappointed as I thought “The Captain” was the funniest episode of the short season thus far. With one minor complaint, of course: MORE CECE!
If anything, I was hoping Schmidt would be successful in breaking Nick and Jess up so we could stop having these scenes between them in bed. That’s how this week’s episode started off, with Nick and Jess post-apparently-awesome-coitus and Jess trying, once again in vain, to get Nick to open up about his feelings. Nick instead opts to “go banana it,” which is meant quite literally: he wanted to eat a banana.
Meanwhile, Schmidt is outside with Winston learning how much it sucks to be a single roommate when the other roommates are dating. Winston is familiar with this and shares some tips with Schmidt (invest in a survival kit, complete with blindfold and bell to wear around your neck). Schmidt reiterates his intention of breaking the happy couple up. All he has to do is find the couple’s weakness (apparently the royal couple’s weakness is a fear that the royal baby would shack up with slutty Aunt Pippa?).
Probably my favorite development this season is Winston completely letting his freak flag fly. For the first couple of seasons, the character of Winston seemed to lack an identity. This season, his identity is straight whack job. The B-story in this week’s episode is Winston’s cat (or, Brenda Song’s cat, whom he decided to steal?) having to get neutered. Winston, being the considerate pet owner he is, is concerned that Ferguson will never get to experience the joys of sex. When Nick and Jess facetiously suggest having a feline orgy (with some “cat strippers, big booty cats, little booty cats, some tabbies, some black ones, some white ones…a couple of siamese to get weird with it.”), Winston decides this is actually a great idea and sets off to find Ferguson a mate.
Schmidt enters and seems all too friendly, which sets alarm bells off for Nick and Jess. Nick warns Jess not to trust Schmidt because,
“After he saw Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club. Look it up, they’re called The Zaniacs.”
“WHY DOES THAT MAKE ME ANGRIER THAN ANYTHING HE’S EVER DONE?!”
When Nick confronts Schmidt, Schmidt gets into Nick’s head. Enough so that Nick has some, um, technical difficulties in bed with Jess. Cue the montage of trying to get Little Nicky out of his room (including Jess reading from an Indian restaurant menu: “Chicken kabob with rice, choice of naan or chutney”).
Over in Winston world, Winston runs into a female cat owner (the cat’s female…well, actually, so’s the owner…they’re both female) who mistakes Winston’s playing feline cupid for hitting on her. I was really confused here. How do you confuse “I’m looking for a girl cat for my boy cat” to mean anything sexual? Um, nevermind.
Back at the apartment, when Jess tries to confront Nick about his equipment, Nick says he has to move his car for the third time this episode. Sensing his opening, Schmidt tries to give Jess a tip. Jess needs to do “The Captain” which is a sexual act that apparently involves racial slurs and dolphin sounds, among other things strategically masked by the sound of a blender. Still, Jess powers through and gives Nick what she thinks he wants: The Captain.
After they both do things “they can’t ever undo,” they realize that Jess was played by Schmidt and confront him. Schmidt wisely tells them he realized that their fatal flaw was communication and he exploited that. (Nick: “If you were supposed to talk about your feelings, they’d be called talkings.”) Kind of adorably, Schmidt just wants to go back to being roommates, and he is almost successful except Nick finally decides to open up about his feelings for Jess, confessing among other things:
- “Sometimes you talk even after you’ve fallen asleep.”
- “I really like the instrument of the cello…it’s like a guitar but it stands up.”
- “I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo and I cried hysterically. And then I bought one of those stretched out pennies that you can get to remember it and then I lost that and I cried again.”
- “I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy with all those ladies’ voices coming and then the guy’s rapping. I think it’s awesome.”
This drives Schmidt crazy and he proceeds to cut up all of Nick’s condoms (“It’s raining celibacy! Hallelujah!”) and take all of Jess’ birth control pills (“Full wheel bitches!”). All of the screaming breaks up what Winston thinks is a cat date, but is actually a woman in his bedroom ready for the taking. He realizes this too late.
After a loft meeting where the roommates tell Schmidt he needs to deal with his problems, we see Nick leave a note at Cece’s door. He stays long enough to see her leave with another man and use his note to throw away her gum. Jess, on the other hand, in a classic example of “be careful what you ask for” now can’t get Nick to shut up about his feelings.
While I still can’t say I’m a fan of the Nick/Jess relationship, both Schmidt and Winston had some laugh-out-loud moments in this episode. I’m willing to bet the writers won’t have Cece on the sidelines very long and that makes me really optimistic about the rest of the season.
Schmidt-ism of the week: “My diploma says I majored in communications, but my heart says I majored in Nicholas studies.”
Runner-up: “I’m so aware of my nipples right now. If someone were to blow on my nipples, I would positively scream.”
G.B. doesn’t stand for Gareth Bale. It might stand for Graduated, Barely (from law school). After spending time in Texas and Pennsylvania, he now lives in Northern California where he makes gifs and watches a lot of TV, movies and sports.