I’m serious. We’re offering him to you, no strings attached. You don’t have to worry about giving us someone in return, we Indians are pretty much all set. Over one billion of us, we don’t need anymore. You, on the other hand — you’re suffering a serious melanin deficiency. You could use a brown guy, and you know it.
Put simply, D’Souza is the best of the best. He’s the crown jewel of Indian America, and trust us, he’s all yours. He’s a proud graduate of Dartmouth Univeristy, which is totally not a frat-infested wastehole. He worked for the Reagan White House, as a policy advisor. He did that right out of college, too. Such a smart boy! Oh, and he might have been born in Mumbai, but this brown beefcake is all-American, baby. He was proudly naturalized as an American citizen in 1991 and has been demonstrating his love for America ever since.
Dinesh doesn’t just take a rosy view of America, he really likes white people. Like, all white people. (Hear that, guys? That’s you!) Colonialism was A-OK in his book. The problem with African colonialism is that it didn’t last long enough, according to Dinesh. And India’s colonization by the British, well, that was just necessary, as it helped India progress into the modern age. So you definitely won’t get any of that annoying white guilt if you hang out with him. Heck, if you steal anything from him, he’ll probably just thank you for trying to civilize him!
Best part, Dinesh? None of that mumbo-jumbo Hindu stuff. Definitely none of that evil Islamicism. Dinesh is 100 percent Christian, baby. He was raised as a Catholic, and these days, considers himself a non-denominational Christian. He’s so Christian, in fact, that he was actually appointed president of a Christian university, The Kings College, despite his utter lack of any kind of academic qualifications whatsoever. Faith alone landed him the job. Of course, he lost it when the trustees of the university discovered he spent a night with a married woman, but you know. Everyone messes up once in a while.
Speaking of messing up: There’s the tiny, eensy-weensie issue of Dinesh D’Souza’s upcoming trial for campaign finance fraud. In order to get around fundraising caps, Dinesh donated money to conservative candidates in someone else’s name, which, if you have even half a brain, you will realize is very, very illegal. Dinesh is claiming that prosecutors are going after him for politically motivated reasons, and I, for one, agree with him. Dirty liberals are always after good, upstanding conservative men like Dinesh, and it needs to stop somewhere.
It’s a hell of a deal, my white brethren. You get Dinesh D’Souza, star political commentator, Fox News analyst, conservative darling. You get a guy who claims that atheists are responsible for the Holocaust and that leftists caused 9/11. You get a dude who thinks Obama is a revolutionary anticolonial activist, just like his father, despite there being absolutely no evidence for this whatsoever. You get a grown man who actually wrote a book called Life After Death; The Evidence.
Please take him. I’m begging you.
Jaya Sundaresh lives in Chandigarh, India. She grew up in various parts of the Northeast in the U.S. before deciding to study political science at McGill University. Follow her on Twitter at @anedumacation.